Reading Check out Our Books Learn more Shop Categories: All Popular Services Memberships Vaccine Detox Headache Cure Cancer Cure Neurotransmitter Reset Autism Consultation Naturopath Consult Microbiome Reset Parasite Cleanse Fasting and Dieting Covenant Psychology Organ Meats Blood Tests and Panels All | Popular Services | Memberships | Vaccine Detox | Headache Cure | Cancer Cure | Neurotransmitter Reset | Autism Consultation | Naturopath Consult | Microbiome Reset | Parasite Cleanse | Fasting and Dieting | Covenant Psychology | Organ Meats | Blood Tests and Panels | Absurd KidCalm Electrolytes — Peach Flavor $69.00 Absurd PainUltra AAA+ Electrolytes — Neuro-Inflammatory Pain Modulation $129.00 Absurd MigraineMaster Electrolytes — Aura & Voltage Stability $99.00 Absurd CardioStability Electrolytes — Rhythm, Tone, Circulation $99.00 Absurd HormoneFlow Electrolytes — Cycle Calm & Emotional Balance $89.00 Absurd NeuroFocus Electrolytes - Focus + ADHD $89.00 Absurd NeuroConnect Electrolytes (Autism) $89.00 Absurd MoodLift Electrolytes — Neurotransmitter Elevation System $79.00 Absurd Eternal Current — Ultra Premium Longevity Electrolytes $149.00 Absurd Electrolytes + Energy & Mito Power $79.00 Absurd Ultra Double Relax Electrolytes — NeuroCalm System Reset $89.00 Absurd Supreme Neuro-Electrolytes — ATP & Nerve Healing Support $69.00 Absurd Electrolytes + NeuroPain MAX Support $79.00 Absurd Electrolytes — The Charge of Life $49.00 Absurd Medical Grade Bone Broth - AAA+ - Super Premium First Flush $10.00 Covenant Psychiatry $159.00 Covenant Psychiatry - Standard Follow-Up $229.00 Covenant Marriage & Family Therapy (CMFT) 50 Minute Session $129.00 Covenant Psychiatrist - Initial Evaluation $299.00 Covenant Electrolyte Sticks — “Salt of the Covenant” $49.00 The Absurd Fast – 40-Day Core Kit - FULL Sale Price: $249.00 Original Price: $299.00 Sale Charcoal On-Call — “Field Response” $29.00 Night Magnesium (Glycinate/Taurate) — “Quiet Circuits” $39.00 Egg Yolk Gold — “Choline Reserve” $39.00 Parasite Strike (Short-Window) — “Four Swords” $89.00 Bile-Flow Kit — “Open the Gates” $59.00 Binder Matrix — “Exit Strategy” $49.00 Heavy Metal Detox Program $1,500.00 The Absurd Health Roundtable Review Sale Price: $1,495.00 Original Price: $1,995.00 Sale Family Plan — $199/month $199.00 Complete Care — $149/month $149.00 Basic Member — $49/month $49.00 Absurd Weight Loss - Coaching $495.00 The Absurd Weight Loss Protocol $995.00 General Vaccine Detox & Terrain Reset Consultation $995.00 COVID-19 Spike Protein Detox Consultation $795.00 Childhood Vaccine Detox Consultation $949.00 Rebound Medication Headache Consultation – Break Free from the Pill Loop $899.00 Weather/Barometric Pressure Headache Consultation – Stabilize the Storm $749.00 Hormonal Headache Consultation – Balance the Cycle $849.00 Histamine/Allergy Headache Consultation – Clear the Static $899.00 Tension Headache Consultation – Release the Pressure $849.00 Cluster Headache Consultation – End the Unendurable $899.00 Migraine Consultation – Break the Cycle $149.00 Spiritual Illness Mapping $1,299.00 Full Protocol Overhaul $2,495.00 Deep Terrain Mapping $1,295.00 Initial Case Review — Start Here $995.00 Resurrection Protocol $9,995.00 Three-Phase Reset $4,795.00 Foundational Reset $2,995.00 Intro Terrain Session $349.00 Parent Package (3-session bundle) $3,995.00 Targeted Consult Follow-Up $349.00 Autism - Initial Consultation $795.00 Intro Consultation — 20 Minutes $95.00 Tier 3: 12-Session Intensive Track $4,995.00 Tier 2: 4-Session Restoration Package — $349 $2,995.00 Tier 1: Foundational Consult $795.00 Tier 4: Full Terrain Optimization & Resurrection Protocol $9,999.00 Tier 3: Terrain Supercharge $4,999.00 Tier 2: Gut Terrain Enhancement $1,499.00 Tier 1: Gut Clearance $699.00 Covenant Cleanse Package $599.00 Monthly Parasite Protocol Coaching $149.00 every month 10-Session Parasite Purge Package $2,995.00 Parasite Cleanse Starter Session $795.00 Fasting - Ask a Coach $99.00 every month Fasting - Household Reset Plan $599.00 Fasting - Biweekly Fast Support $195.00 every month Fasting - Monthly Guidance $45.00 every 4 weeks Fasting - Deep Dive – 10 Sessions $2,995.00 Fasting - Foundations Package – Intro Session $95.00 Fasting - "The Forty Reset” Package – 10 Consults $3,995.00 Covenant Psychology - Standard Session $49.00 Covenant Psychology - Intro Session: “The First Light” $49.00 Pineal Decalcification Assessment (Serum Melatonin, Fluoride, Phosphate, Heavy Metals) $375.00 Mitochondrial Resilience Panel (Lactate, Pyruvate, CoQ10, Carnitine, Organic Acids) Sale Price: $449.00 Original Price: $569.00 Sale Thyroid Terrain Panel (TSH, Free T3, Free T4, Reverse T3, Anti-TPO, Anti-Tg) $299.00 Aldosterone / Plasma Renin Activity Ratio Sale Price: $199.00 Original Price: $249.00 Sale IGF‑1 (Insulin-like Growth Factor 1, LC/MS/MS, Fractionated) $149.00 Catecholamines Panel (Plasma, Fractionated) $339.00 Follicle-Stimulating Hormone (FSH) $129.00 Estradiol (Serum, LC/MS/MS) $169.00 Comprehensive Food Allergy Panel (IgG + IgE 96 Foods) $329.00 Progesterone (LC/MS/MS) $149.00 Vitamin K (MK‑7) $179.00 Sex Hormone Panel (Total & Free Testosterone + SHBG) $165.00 Neurotransmitter & Catecholamine Panel (24-Hour Urine Collection) $420.00 Mitochondrial Function Panel (Lactate, Pyruvate, Organic Acids) $299.00 Autoimmune Terrain Panel (ANA, hsCRP, RF, TGF-β1, Complement C3/C4) $319.00 Heavy Metals & Mineral Ratios Panel (Hair or Urine Analysis) $289.00 Micronutrient Deficiency Panel (Intracellular Analysis) $499.00 Mycotoxin Panel (Urine Mycotoxin Screen) $389.00 Comprehensive Stool Analysis w/ Parasitology & Gut Terrain Markers $499.00 Zonulin + LPS Antibody Panel $249.00 Advanced Lipid Panel (LDL Particle Size, sdLDL, HDL, Triglycerides) $219.00 Omega-3 & Omega-6 Fatty Acids Panel $199.00 Cortisol (AM), Salivary or Serum $149.00 DHEA-S + Total Testosterone Panel $179.00 Homocysteine + B12 + Folate Panel $179.00 Thyroid Panel with Antibodies $249.00 Ferritin + Iron Panel $159.00 HbA1c + Fasting Insulin Panel $159.00 hs-CRP (High-Sensitivity C-Reactive Protein) $149.00 Vitamin D (25-Hydroxy) + Magnesium RBC $229.00 Complete Blood Count (CBC) with Differential $125.00 Comprehensive Metabolic Panel + GGT $199.00 Absurd Certified - Pasture Raised Super Organic 'SuperEggs' $25.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Grass Fed, Super Organic Bovine Pancreatic Islet $823.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Grass Fed, Super Organic Bone Marrow Jars $49.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Grass Fed, Super Organic Bovine Prostate $328.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Grass Fed, Super Organic Bovine Pineal Gland $1,169.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Grass Fed, Super Organic Lamb Brain $612.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Grass Fed, Super Organic Pasture Beef Lung $78.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Grass Fed Super Organic Cow Ovary $339.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Grass Fed, Super Organic Prairie Oysters $212.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Pasture Raised Super Organic Beef Pancreas $148.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Grass Fed Super Organic Beef Spleen $97.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Grass Fed Pasture Raised Organic Beef Thymus $110.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Pasture Raised Grass Fed Beef Adrenal Gland $74.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Grass Fed Organic Grass Fed Tallow - 7lbs (One Month) $70.00 Absurd Certified - Pasture Raised Grass Fed Organic Beef Heart $34.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Super Organic Grass Fed Beef Kidney $27.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Pasture Raised, Super Organic Chicken Liver $12.00 Sold out Absurd Certified - Pasture Raised Super Organic Beef Liver $20.00 Sold out
